None of us are perfect. We all put on a face to the world that say's that everything is alright, and most of the time that is exactly the case; everything is alright. But every once in a while, it isn't. There are times when all we can think about is crawling into a dark room, locking ourselves away from the world, curl up in a fetal position and rock back and forth until the internal darkness goes away. Instead, we put on that face that we wear every day and when someone say's, "How's it going?" we smile at them and say, "It's going great, how about you?"
There are times when we know exactly why we are feeling the way we do. It could be financial issues lurking in the near future, maybe we have had a fight with the love of our lives or maybe someone that we love with all of our hearts and souls has suddenly lost a long suffering battle with life and has passed away. These times are so difficult that all we can do is lock ourselves away until either the issue has passed or the pain loosens its grip long enough for us to recover. But there are other times; times when we have no clue why we are feeling the way we do. There doesn't seem to be any reason for it. All we know is that we hurt, we are scared and we are confused. When this happens we start searching desperately for something we can point to and say, "There! That's the reason. That is what is causing me all this emotional pain." And we always find something. It doesn't seem to matter if is actually the cause or not. We are so desperate that we put the blame on the first thing we come to.
It is human nature to try and make connections. We search for something that has recently changed and we put blame on that thing. There are still places in the world where people are killed for witchcraft because they are seen doing something that someone thinks is odd around the same time that an epidemic breaks out. It doesn't seem to matter that correlation is not indicative of causation. We jump at a correlation and use it to place all blame for our sorrows.
So, if the recent change in our lives happens to have been gender transition, we agonize over our decision. We can't help but wonder if that change is what is causing all of our stress. We wonder if we made the wrong decision. Maybe we should have just continued pretending and being what the world thinks we should be instead of what we truly are, and when someone we love is going through the same sort of emotional turmoil, we begin to blame ourselves for their pain. We even consider going back to the way things were in the hopes that everything will be OK again. We have those moments of doubt.
But if we really think about it we will remember other times in our lives when, for seemingly no reason at all, we went through periods of depression or anxiety. Times before transition. In fact, we have had times like this since childhood. And each time we blamed it on the most recent thing in our lives that had changed.
What if recent changes have nothing to do with it? What if, just maybe, it's something physical? It could be as simple as a hormonal imbalance and if we hang in long enough and make sure our diet is healthy, things will be back to normal soon. There are countless possibilities that we simply don't know about because we can't see them. It could be anything from atmospheric conditions to subsonic frequencies messing with our internal systems. If so, then jumping to conclusions and making drastic decisions could be the worst mistake of our lives. We have to take time, breathe, and instead of finding something to blame our suffering on we have to find something positive to do.
Does this post have a purpose? Have I come to any conclusions? Have I fixed things? Not really. I'm sure I will continue to have moments of doubt for the rest of my life. Basically, this has been a long-winded way of saying, "Hang in there, it gets better."
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Gender Variations: Social Interactions
I have now experienced life from three variations of gender. Presenting as pure male, presenting as femme male and presenting as all female. It is absolutely amazing the difference in interactions with the public with each variation. I am fascinated with how people treat each other based on their gender. Let me start with male first.
A lot of my jaded attitude regarding human nature seems to have come from my experiences being male. You see, men tend to be aggressive. They are constantly in competition with each other, whether they realize it or not. When you are a man, every other man is a potential opponent. The first competition that might come to mind is sex. And it is true. We are sexual beings by nature, so we tend to find ourselves in competition with others for love interests. But it doesn't end with sex. That competition creeps in to every aspect of our lives from our jobs to how our houses look from the street. It is a constant fight and struggle.
I'm not a fighter. I never have been. So, I never fit in to any male social groups. In most situations (close friends being the exception) interactions with other men felt like I was constantly on my guard. The first thing that most men do when they meet other men (even in very subtle ways) is try to exert some form of dominance. Body language, eye contact and speech patterns instantly go into intimidation mode. If you don't 'fight' back then you 'lose' and they 'win.' Like I said, I'm not a fighter so I rarely even tried. The result being that men basically looked at me as a loser that wasn't worth their time. Which was fine with me because I really didn't want to be part of that kind of social dynamic anyway.
Interactions with women weren't any better. Because of the aforementioned male issues with dominance, most women instantly become defensive when meeting a man. They assume that the man, at best is going to try to seduce them and at worst forcibly take sexual advantage of them. I don't blame women for this. Male privileged is alive and well in our society and the struggle to change that has, historically, been a slow one. But the result for people in my situation is that it somewhat difficult to develop a true close friendship with a women. As a man, I could never fit into the female social structure. I would constantly be an outsider.
This manifested on a daily basis in interactions with the general public: while working, shopping, eating out, taking walks in the park. The general attitude among the people I ran into on a daily basis was representative of issues I have been discussing. Body language, tone of voice, eye contact and other subtle nuances constantly kept me at an emotional 'arm's length' from everyone I came into contact with. What was the result of this? I was lonely.
Don't get me wrong. I have been married for over twenty years to a wonderful woman and I have an incredible group of friends. But in regards to the world in general, I was an outcast. I didn't fit in to the social construct that is the gender binary in our society. Since I didn't fit into the male social dynamic, I was never invited on any outings with guys (wouldn't have liked it anyway) and girls nights out were off limits because, well, I wasn't a girl. I was pushed away at every turn, even if that turn was as simple as ordering food at Denny's. The smiles were always there. The pleasantries were always there. But they were forced. They weren't genuine. For my entire life I thought it was either because of me or it was just that humans were anti-social, self-centered and just plain mean. But now I don't think so.
I got looks. Oh boy howdie did I get looks. You know those forced pleasantries I talked about before? They were still there, but now they often hid animosity behind them. I guess a man with a purse and painted fingernails is considered a pervert or something because people were always giving me evil looks and when they were forced to interact with me they tried to get away as quickly as possible. Oh, and the venomous looks I got while shopping in the intimates section were almost physically painful. But the interesting thing is that not all people were like that. As you can expect, the reactions from men were far worse than before, but the reactions from some women changed for the positive. Servers in restaurants began to actually smile at me and engage in conversation that was more than, "How would you like your eggs cooked?" A lot of women were suddenly genuinely nice to me. This was a very foreign concept to me and confused me a lot at first. But that's OK. It was nice to actually be treated as a living breathing human being by perfect strangers. It made up for the evil hateful looks and avoidance I was getting from everyone else.
What was the reason for this? I can't really say for sure, but I suspect that the more feminine I appeared, the less of a threat I seemed to be. But the bottom line is that these positive interactions encouraged me to become far more open about my gender presentation. I started presenting as a woman more and more.
The huge difference is with women. Everywhere I go now I am treated with respect. Smiles are genuine. Pleasantries are real. Conversations are started almost everywhere I go and I hear about their kids, and husbands. I am no longer hurried along or pushed through. When I go shopping, sales crew seem like they honestly want to help me instead of it being their job to do so. People call me ma'am. I feel welcomed and embraced. My female friends are inviting me to girls nights out and bachelorette parties. For the first time in my life I feel welcome. For the first time in my life I'm not lonely, and that makes me a very happy women.
Being Male: Social Interactions
I spent the vast majority of my life trying to be as male as possible. As I have mentioned in previous posts, this is out of a history of survival. As a child I had to pretend to be a boy, just to keep from being beat up. As I became an adult I was pretty much stuck in that male rut and continued it for most of my life. Mostly because I had pushed the male so hard that I had all but eliminated the female I was.A lot of my jaded attitude regarding human nature seems to have come from my experiences being male. You see, men tend to be aggressive. They are constantly in competition with each other, whether they realize it or not. When you are a man, every other man is a potential opponent. The first competition that might come to mind is sex. And it is true. We are sexual beings by nature, so we tend to find ourselves in competition with others for love interests. But it doesn't end with sex. That competition creeps in to every aspect of our lives from our jobs to how our houses look from the street. It is a constant fight and struggle.
I'm not a fighter. I never have been. So, I never fit in to any male social groups. In most situations (close friends being the exception) interactions with other men felt like I was constantly on my guard. The first thing that most men do when they meet other men (even in very subtle ways) is try to exert some form of dominance. Body language, eye contact and speech patterns instantly go into intimidation mode. If you don't 'fight' back then you 'lose' and they 'win.' Like I said, I'm not a fighter so I rarely even tried. The result being that men basically looked at me as a loser that wasn't worth their time. Which was fine with me because I really didn't want to be part of that kind of social dynamic anyway.
Interactions with women weren't any better. Because of the aforementioned male issues with dominance, most women instantly become defensive when meeting a man. They assume that the man, at best is going to try to seduce them and at worst forcibly take sexual advantage of them. I don't blame women for this. Male privileged is alive and well in our society and the struggle to change that has, historically, been a slow one. But the result for people in my situation is that it somewhat difficult to develop a true close friendship with a women. As a man, I could never fit into the female social structure. I would constantly be an outsider.
This manifested on a daily basis in interactions with the general public: while working, shopping, eating out, taking walks in the park. The general attitude among the people I ran into on a daily basis was representative of issues I have been discussing. Body language, tone of voice, eye contact and other subtle nuances constantly kept me at an emotional 'arm's length' from everyone I came into contact with. What was the result of this? I was lonely.
Don't get me wrong. I have been married for over twenty years to a wonderful woman and I have an incredible group of friends. But in regards to the world in general, I was an outcast. I didn't fit in to the social construct that is the gender binary in our society. Since I didn't fit into the male social dynamic, I was never invited on any outings with guys (wouldn't have liked it anyway) and girls nights out were off limits because, well, I wasn't a girl. I was pushed away at every turn, even if that turn was as simple as ordering food at Denny's. The smiles were always there. The pleasantries were always there. But they were forced. They weren't genuine. For my entire life I thought it was either because of me or it was just that humans were anti-social, self-centered and just plain mean. But now I don't think so.
Being Femme Male: Social Interactions
I started painting my fingernails a while back and carrying a purse. I also got my eyebrows threaded so that when I presented as a women, I would have nice arched brows instead of the giant fuzzy caterpillars I was born with. Bye-bye to pretending to be a man. I started embracing a bi-gender identity, meaning I could choose from day to day what gender I wanted to present based on what I was doing and who I was with that day. But, in all honesty, the male portion of that gender was still pretty femme.I got looks. Oh boy howdie did I get looks. You know those forced pleasantries I talked about before? They were still there, but now they often hid animosity behind them. I guess a man with a purse and painted fingernails is considered a pervert or something because people were always giving me evil looks and when they were forced to interact with me they tried to get away as quickly as possible. Oh, and the venomous looks I got while shopping in the intimates section were almost physically painful. But the interesting thing is that not all people were like that. As you can expect, the reactions from men were far worse than before, but the reactions from some women changed for the positive. Servers in restaurants began to actually smile at me and engage in conversation that was more than, "How would you like your eggs cooked?" A lot of women were suddenly genuinely nice to me. This was a very foreign concept to me and confused me a lot at first. But that's OK. It was nice to actually be treated as a living breathing human being by perfect strangers. It made up for the evil hateful looks and avoidance I was getting from everyone else.
What was the reason for this? I can't really say for sure, but I suspect that the more feminine I appeared, the less of a threat I seemed to be. But the bottom line is that these positive interactions encouraged me to become far more open about my gender presentation. I started presenting as a woman more and more.
Being Female: Social Interactions
Being a woman has been a real eye-opener for me. Let me start with guys. My guy friends are my guy friends no matter what. They are all amazing and have always treated me with love and respect. But as a woman, guys no longer look at me with competition or suspicion. Some older men look at me with confusion, but that's to be expected. I think that most guys simply don't notice me. The younger and more attractive a woman is the more likely it is that a man is going to look at them. I am neither young or attractive, so I don't catch their eye long enough for them to wonder if I am a 'real' woman or not. I am perfectly fine with this. The less attention I get from men I don't know the happier I am.The huge difference is with women. Everywhere I go now I am treated with respect. Smiles are genuine. Pleasantries are real. Conversations are started almost everywhere I go and I hear about their kids, and husbands. I am no longer hurried along or pushed through. When I go shopping, sales crew seem like they honestly want to help me instead of it being their job to do so. People call me ma'am. I feel welcomed and embraced. My female friends are inviting me to girls nights out and bachelorette parties. For the first time in my life I feel welcome. For the first time in my life I'm not lonely, and that makes me a very happy women.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Celebrity Focus: Kim Petras
In 1992 a little girl was born in Cologne, Germany, but no one knew it. Not even her parents. They thought they had a little boy, so they named her Tim. By the age of two this little girl started insisting that she wasn't a boy and her parents tried to be supportive. But they decided that she should wear gender neutral clothing in public. It didn't take long for then to realize that being a girl wasn't just a phase that their son was going through, so they sought professional help for their child. Happily, the help they sought was not to cure their son, but to help their daughter. With the help of Dr. Bernd Meyenburg, they completely embraced their child as their daughter, Kim, and started her on a puberty suppression treatment that would keep testosterone from taking over. At the age of 16, she became the youngest person in history to legally undergo sexual reassignment surgery. I commend her parents for recognizing what their child needed instead of forcing a societal standard on her.
Kim, if you happen to read this, I gathered my information from various internet sources including Wikipedea. If I have gotten anything wrong, please let me know and I will correct this page.
Today, Kim Petras is a pop sensation and it is easy to see why. She is both beautiful and talented. I have become completely infatuated with her song and video, One Piece Of Tape.
"If one piece of tape could change the world
Then the world would be OK
It's one step closer to the start
Of a brand new day"
Kim, if you happen to read this, I gathered my information from various internet sources including Wikipedea. If I have gotten anything wrong, please let me know and I will correct this page.
Today, Kim Petras is a pop sensation and it is easy to see why. She is both beautiful and talented. I have become completely infatuated with her song and video, One Piece Of Tape.
"If one piece of tape could change the world
Then the world would be OK
It's one step closer to the start
Of a brand new day"
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Acceptance: Actually Living It
Over the years of witnessing friends transition between gender and going through a very gradual transition myself, I have come to realize that there is a difference between acceptance and truly accepting. I am writing this from the perspective of male to female transition simply because that is my personal experience. But this is an issue no matter what gender identification is involved.
I am directing this, primarily, at friends and loved ones of people in transition. I am going out on a limb here and stating that I believe what most of us want more than anything is to be truly accepted as the gender we identify with. For me, that is a woman. I need to be fully accepted as a woman. I don't identify as a trans woman, I identify as a woman. When I first started coming out to friends and family I told them that I hoped they would accept me as a woman and they assured me that they would. I take them at their word. I love them all dearly and I believe that they will do exactly what they say.
But I often wonder how many people truly understand what that acceptance means. It is one thing to love and accept your friends for exactly who they are, it is another thing to live that acceptance. Let's say that you are a woman and your best guy friend for twenty years comes to you and says he is becoming a woman. You are happy for him/her and you swear that you will support her completely. You will help her with makeup, hair, shopping and everything that she needs. You are actually kind of excited about it. Then you go to the mall with her. You spend a couple of hours shopping and having a great time. But all of that coffee the two of you drank at Starbucks is really starting to take it's toll, so you head to the bathroom. Being a woman, your best friend walks beside you into the women's room. If there was even a fraction of a second where your mind questioned whether or not she should be in there, then you are not living the acceptance. You have assured her that you completely accept her as a woman, but in reality, you haven't. You still consider her either a man wearing women's clothing or a transsexual woman. You have not truly embraced her existence as a woman.
You finish the day shopping, you go home with tons of new clothes including new intimates. You are both excited to try all of the different combinations of tops and bottoms to see how many cute outfits you can put together. You have done this with your girlfriends lots of times and never had a problem with it at all, but this time you suddenly hesitate. Maybe only for a moment, but that hesitation is because you are not completely comfortable undressing in front of her, even though you have no problem with your other girlfriends. That moment of hesitation shows that as much as you want to believe you have, you have not completely accepted her as a woman.
Your friend needs that true acceptance. She needs to be invited to girls nights out, she needs to be invited to bachelorette parties other social gatherings. She needs to be completely accepted. If she isn't, then she exists in a limbo. She would never be accepted as a man, even if she wanted to, and if she isn't accepted as a woman, then where is she? She is lonely.
We toss the words acceptance and tolerance around like yesterdays torn clothes. They have become buzz words that have lost their true meanings. As a society we have stopped living what those words truly represent. And members of the LGBT community suffer for it on a daily basis. So, please, if someone you love asks you to accept them, do it with all of your heart. Truly embrace that friend, love them and give them what they truly need. Live that acceptance that they have asked for.
I am directing this, primarily, at friends and loved ones of people in transition. I am going out on a limb here and stating that I believe what most of us want more than anything is to be truly accepted as the gender we identify with. For me, that is a woman. I need to be fully accepted as a woman. I don't identify as a trans woman, I identify as a woman. When I first started coming out to friends and family I told them that I hoped they would accept me as a woman and they assured me that they would. I take them at their word. I love them all dearly and I believe that they will do exactly what they say.
But I often wonder how many people truly understand what that acceptance means. It is one thing to love and accept your friends for exactly who they are, it is another thing to live that acceptance. Let's say that you are a woman and your best guy friend for twenty years comes to you and says he is becoming a woman. You are happy for him/her and you swear that you will support her completely. You will help her with makeup, hair, shopping and everything that she needs. You are actually kind of excited about it. Then you go to the mall with her. You spend a couple of hours shopping and having a great time. But all of that coffee the two of you drank at Starbucks is really starting to take it's toll, so you head to the bathroom. Being a woman, your best friend walks beside you into the women's room. If there was even a fraction of a second where your mind questioned whether or not she should be in there, then you are not living the acceptance. You have assured her that you completely accept her as a woman, but in reality, you haven't. You still consider her either a man wearing women's clothing or a transsexual woman. You have not truly embraced her existence as a woman.
You finish the day shopping, you go home with tons of new clothes including new intimates. You are both excited to try all of the different combinations of tops and bottoms to see how many cute outfits you can put together. You have done this with your girlfriends lots of times and never had a problem with it at all, but this time you suddenly hesitate. Maybe only for a moment, but that hesitation is because you are not completely comfortable undressing in front of her, even though you have no problem with your other girlfriends. That moment of hesitation shows that as much as you want to believe you have, you have not completely accepted her as a woman.
Your friend needs that true acceptance. She needs to be invited to girls nights out, she needs to be invited to bachelorette parties other social gatherings. She needs to be completely accepted. If she isn't, then she exists in a limbo. She would never be accepted as a man, even if she wanted to, and if she isn't accepted as a woman, then where is she? She is lonely.
We toss the words acceptance and tolerance around like yesterdays torn clothes. They have become buzz words that have lost their true meanings. As a society we have stopped living what those words truly represent. And members of the LGBT community suffer for it on a daily basis. So, please, if someone you love asks you to accept them, do it with all of your heart. Truly embrace that friend, love them and give them what they truly need. Live that acceptance that they have asked for.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Fingernail Polish Tutorial: Black Lace
One of the things I have been doing lately is creating video tutorials on fingernail polish techniques. This is one of my favorites were you actually attach pieces of lace to the fingernail and then cover with a clear top coat. I am considering creating a separate page to this site where I will feature all of my films and tutorials.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
That Was Me
That was me
Pretending I was sick so I wouldn't have to dress out for Phys Ed
That was me
Playing with my sisters toys when no one was looking
That was me
Trying on my mother's high heel shoes
That was me
Crying when I realized I would never grow breasts
That was me
Growing facial hair as a teenager because people teased me about being a sissy
That was me
Hunting with my father because he was trying to make a man out of me
That was me
Terrified that I would see a deer, rabbit or turkey and be forced to kill it
That was me
Living a lie for so many years
That was me
Starting to grow old without ever allowing myself to be
That was me
This is me
Lamenting the past that could have been
This is me
An amazing person with self confindence and pride
This is me
Looking to the future with joy and wonder
This is me
A woman
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Really, I Just Need to Pee
I'm going shopping today. I will end up at a mall or two, likely go to Evilmart (Walmart) and likely a couple of restaurants. One thing I can guarantee is that I will be using the bathroom in all of these places. Why? Because I have issues with frequent urination.
"Ewwwwwwww, why did you tell me that?"
Because it is relevant to this post. Unlike a lot of people, I can't simply 'hold it' until I find a nice private bathroom someplace. When I have to go I absolutely have to go, there is no waiting around hoping the need will pass for a while. Sometimes I wonder if this is because of being uncomfortable with bathrooms when I was growing up. I would spend every day at school holding it for as long as possible because I hated using the boys room. It was wrong, I felt like I shouldn't be there. And quite frankly, boys can be a bit mean to each other when there aren't any adult witnesses around. So, I did everything I could to avoid them. If I couldn't wait until I got home, I would make sure I excused myself during class so I would be alone in the bathroom. But I couldn't do that too often or I would get in trouble. I'm not sure that is the reason for my frequent urination issues, but I have my suspicions.
That brings me back to today. What do I do about this while shopping? Most people have no clue that this is even an issue, but it is one of the biggest issues that transgender people face. Why? Because most people do not actually recognize us as being the gender we are presenting. They still consider a trans woman to be a man in women's clothing. So, when they see a trans woman in a public bathroom, many of them tend to flip out. At best, they will yell and scream. At worst they will get out the mace. But if a trans woman uses the men's room and there is someone there offended, at best she will be violently accosted, at worst she will end up in the hospital or morgue. So we have two choices, do we want to get yelled at, or beat up? Obvious choice is get yelled at.
Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't normally happen. Normally I go into the ladies room, do my business, wash my hands a leave. No one give it a second thought. But there are times when it does happen. So that is constantly on the mind.
The question then becomes, how to minimize the chances of negative events? There are few ways. You can try to schedule your day so that you are at an establishment that has either unisex bathrooms or single private gender specific bathrooms. That is well and good for a lot of people. But for someone that has the issues that I have, it isn't always feasible. A lot of places now have family rooms. They are designed for single parents with children so that a little girl does not have to go in to the men's room with her father or a boy the women's room. The times that I have asked establishments about transgender use of bathrooms I have been informed that I should use the family room. OK, I can do that. But it really kind of sucks, don't you think? When we are forced to use separate bathrooms, doesn't that relegate us to second class citizenry? I know it feels rather degrading to me. But if that is what I have to do then that is what I will do. At least I'm not forced to use separate water fountains or sit in the back of the bus.
The good news is that more and more businesses, and even some municipalities, have started including transgender protections that include use of public restrooms. So, in some places you have legal protections that allow you to go pee. Even then there is still the possibility that you will be yelled at or accosted. But at least you won't end up having to deal with the police just because your are trying to go to the bathroom. But, still, it is good news. It means that progress is being made.
There is a really helpful utility online called Safe2Pee. It lists places were transgender people can feel comfortable about using the restroom. It also allows you to enter places that you know are safe. The website is located at http://safe2pee.org/new/ The sad thing is that there was ever a need for this tool in the first place. It is my hope that as time goes on, we will learn to treat each other with dignity and respect. Until that happens, I will hold my head up high, enter the ladies room with confidence and do what I have to do. Why? Because I am a woman, and I deserve to be treated as one.
.
"Ewwwwwwww, why did you tell me that?"
Because it is relevant to this post. Unlike a lot of people, I can't simply 'hold it' until I find a nice private bathroom someplace. When I have to go I absolutely have to go, there is no waiting around hoping the need will pass for a while. Sometimes I wonder if this is because of being uncomfortable with bathrooms when I was growing up. I would spend every day at school holding it for as long as possible because I hated using the boys room. It was wrong, I felt like I shouldn't be there. And quite frankly, boys can be a bit mean to each other when there aren't any adult witnesses around. So, I did everything I could to avoid them. If I couldn't wait until I got home, I would make sure I excused myself during class so I would be alone in the bathroom. But I couldn't do that too often or I would get in trouble. I'm not sure that is the reason for my frequent urination issues, but I have my suspicions.
That brings me back to today. What do I do about this while shopping? Most people have no clue that this is even an issue, but it is one of the biggest issues that transgender people face. Why? Because most people do not actually recognize us as being the gender we are presenting. They still consider a trans woman to be a man in women's clothing. So, when they see a trans woman in a public bathroom, many of them tend to flip out. At best, they will yell and scream. At worst they will get out the mace. But if a trans woman uses the men's room and there is someone there offended, at best she will be violently accosted, at worst she will end up in the hospital or morgue. So we have two choices, do we want to get yelled at, or beat up? Obvious choice is get yelled at.
Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't normally happen. Normally I go into the ladies room, do my business, wash my hands a leave. No one give it a second thought. But there are times when it does happen. So that is constantly on the mind.
The question then becomes, how to minimize the chances of negative events? There are few ways. You can try to schedule your day so that you are at an establishment that has either unisex bathrooms or single private gender specific bathrooms. That is well and good for a lot of people. But for someone that has the issues that I have, it isn't always feasible. A lot of places now have family rooms. They are designed for single parents with children so that a little girl does not have to go in to the men's room with her father or a boy the women's room. The times that I have asked establishments about transgender use of bathrooms I have been informed that I should use the family room. OK, I can do that. But it really kind of sucks, don't you think? When we are forced to use separate bathrooms, doesn't that relegate us to second class citizenry? I know it feels rather degrading to me. But if that is what I have to do then that is what I will do. At least I'm not forced to use separate water fountains or sit in the back of the bus.
The good news is that more and more businesses, and even some municipalities, have started including transgender protections that include use of public restrooms. So, in some places you have legal protections that allow you to go pee. Even then there is still the possibility that you will be yelled at or accosted. But at least you won't end up having to deal with the police just because your are trying to go to the bathroom. But, still, it is good news. It means that progress is being made.
There is a really helpful utility online called Safe2Pee. It lists places were transgender people can feel comfortable about using the restroom. It also allows you to enter places that you know are safe. The website is located at http://safe2pee.org/new/ The sad thing is that there was ever a need for this tool in the first place. It is my hope that as time goes on, we will learn to treat each other with dignity and respect. Until that happens, I will hold my head up high, enter the ladies room with confidence and do what I have to do. Why? Because I am a woman, and I deserve to be treated as one.
.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sexual Orientation vs Gender Identity
On the whole, as a society, we have been conditioned to assume that sexual orientation is linked to gender identification. During the last sixty to seventy years or so we have become more and more enlightened regarding sexual orientation. People are starting to realize that not only is it OK, but it is perfectly normal to be attracted to and even fall in love with people of the same sex. It is not biologically hard wired into our bodies that someone born with a penis will be attracted to someone with a vagina and vice versa. That dichotomous classification is a social construct, primarily as a result of religious ideologies. As we learn more and more about the human body and how the brain actually works, we have started to let go of those dangerous assumptions.
But we still have a lot of work to do in separating gender from biological sex. Again, as a society, we assume that the gender of someone with a penis is a man and someone with a vagina is a woman. But that is another dangerous dichotomy. Biological sex is determined by physical anatomy. You are either male, female or intersexed (having both male and female organs.) But gender is something completely different. It is not linked to physical sex and it is not link to sexual orientation. It is an emotional and intellectual construct. It is based on how we feel and think, the things we enjoy doing and the ways in which we interact with the world around us. Gender is not male vs female. It is more like male and female are the two polar extremes with a myriad of variations in-between and when we accept the reality of those variations our lives become fuller and more glorious.
Something that I run into all of the time, even amongst the LGBT community, is the assumption that since I am transitioning from male to female, that must mean that I am attracted to men. The fact that I have always been attracted to women is looked at as denial and that I am actually a closet homosexual. That simply is not the case. As enlightened as we have become regarding sexual orientation, we really need to start opening our minds a little more about gender identity. I am a lesbian with slight bi-sexual leanings. I always have been. As a man, when I tried to explain this to people they assumed I was being a jerk with the whole 'lesbian stuck in a man's body' routine trying to pick up women. I had hoped that once I began presenting as a woman that I would be better understood, in many cases, that hasn't happened. I have had lesbian women confused as to why I prefer women. I always ask them if they are lesbian. When they say they are, I simply say, "So am I." In the end, they always get it. But seriously, I shouldn't have to work that hard to explain.
Sexual orientation, biological sex and gender identification are three completely separate things. Once society gets there collective minds wrapped around that concept, maybe we will start being more accepting of each other and discover the wonders that we all have to offer each other. Until then I will continue to be patient, smile and try to explain to anyone that politely asks.
But we still have a lot of work to do in separating gender from biological sex. Again, as a society, we assume that the gender of someone with a penis is a man and someone with a vagina is a woman. But that is another dangerous dichotomy. Biological sex is determined by physical anatomy. You are either male, female or intersexed (having both male and female organs.) But gender is something completely different. It is not linked to physical sex and it is not link to sexual orientation. It is an emotional and intellectual construct. It is based on how we feel and think, the things we enjoy doing and the ways in which we interact with the world around us. Gender is not male vs female. It is more like male and female are the two polar extremes with a myriad of variations in-between and when we accept the reality of those variations our lives become fuller and more glorious.
Something that I run into all of the time, even amongst the LGBT community, is the assumption that since I am transitioning from male to female, that must mean that I am attracted to men. The fact that I have always been attracted to women is looked at as denial and that I am actually a closet homosexual. That simply is not the case. As enlightened as we have become regarding sexual orientation, we really need to start opening our minds a little more about gender identity. I am a lesbian with slight bi-sexual leanings. I always have been. As a man, when I tried to explain this to people they assumed I was being a jerk with the whole 'lesbian stuck in a man's body' routine trying to pick up women. I had hoped that once I began presenting as a woman that I would be better understood, in many cases, that hasn't happened. I have had lesbian women confused as to why I prefer women. I always ask them if they are lesbian. When they say they are, I simply say, "So am I." In the end, they always get it. But seriously, I shouldn't have to work that hard to explain.
Sexual orientation, biological sex and gender identification are three completely separate things. Once society gets there collective minds wrapped around that concept, maybe we will start being more accepting of each other and discover the wonders that we all have to offer each other. Until then I will continue to be patient, smile and try to explain to anyone that politely asks.
Monday, August 13, 2012
I was asked, "Why did you suddenly decide to become a woman?"
The short answer to that question is, "I didn't." The long answer is very long. In fact, it is forty two years long. I am forty eight years old. I discovered at the age of six that I could never actually be me. Or rather that I could never let anyone else know who I really was. We went shopping for school clothes and I got very upset that I couldn't buy the pretty colorful clothes that I saw in the store. I had to get jeans and t-shirts just like all of the other boys. But I didn't want to be a boy. And I knew that I couldn't say that. I couldn't tell my parents that I didn't want to be a boy. They had already made it clear to me that God had decided that I should be a boy and that I should be proud that he had done that. God had made me perfect and I was going to grow up to be a good man.
My mother did a wonderful job with me, bless her heart. But she never knew what was going on inside. In school I used to play with the girls instead of the boys. Girls were a lot more fun to play with, boys were just mean. Then my baby sister came. I was eight at the time. We were very poor, so my mother took old clothes, cut them up and made baby clothes out of them. I was fascinated with that. I had her teach me how to sew because in the back of my mind I thought if I can learn how to do this, I can make my own pretty clothes. So for Christmas that year I asked for a sewing machine. I think my father kind of freaked out. I got the sewing machine. It was a toy, of course, but it really worked. But that wasn't the only thing I got for Christmas that year. I also got a 4.10 shotgun and a hunting knife. Then when summer came along I got a motorcycle. Yup, an eight year old with weapons and a powered vehicle. That same year I was taught how to drive our manual transmission pick up truck in order to help haul hay. Needless to say, my life got so filled with learning and doing manly things that I didn't have time to play with my sewing machine.
For the most part I gave up trying to be me. I devoted my life to pretending I was a boy. It was a good thing too, because where I grew up, if I had told anyone that I was really a girl the school would have sent me to corrective therapy. If I had ever tried to wear a dress I would likely have ended up in the hospital if not actually dead. Sometimes, when no one was around I would play with my sisters dolls. It was frustrating that Barbies' clothes wouldn't fit on Ken, but I tried. Then I would feel so guilty later because boys weren't supposed to like that sort of thing. I spent so many years of my childhood racked with guilt that it is amazing I survived.
As I got older I became a nudist. I hated actually wearing clothes. I didn't realize it at the time because I had so buried who I really was, but it wasn't that I hated wearing clothes, it was that I hated wearing men's clothes. The faster I got out of them the happier I was. I was one of the first men to start wearing an earring in one ear. I got made fun of for it, called a fag and everything else you can imagine, but I didn't care. When it was normal for a guy to wear a single earring I got both ears pierced. It wasn't long before that was normal too. A few years ago I started wearing fingernail polish. Now that is starting to become normal. I have always pushed the boundaries of gender norms. Oh, and my purse? It was never a man-purse, murse or an urban shoulder bag, it was a purse thank you very much.
For all of my adult life people have mistaken me for a woman. My wife and would go shopping and people would ma'am me all of the time or say, "Welcome to [some store], ladies. Can I help you find something?" I finally just came to accept it. I decided to quit pretending that I was something I wasn't. I'm not a man, I never have been, I just pretended to be one in real life. I was never a boy, either. I just pretended I was because I didn't have any choice.
So the answer to the question is; I didn't suddenly decide to be a woman. I have always been one. Over the years I have slowly come to accept that and have recently decided to embrace it.
My mother did a wonderful job with me, bless her heart. But she never knew what was going on inside. In school I used to play with the girls instead of the boys. Girls were a lot more fun to play with, boys were just mean. Then my baby sister came. I was eight at the time. We were very poor, so my mother took old clothes, cut them up and made baby clothes out of them. I was fascinated with that. I had her teach me how to sew because in the back of my mind I thought if I can learn how to do this, I can make my own pretty clothes. So for Christmas that year I asked for a sewing machine. I think my father kind of freaked out. I got the sewing machine. It was a toy, of course, but it really worked. But that wasn't the only thing I got for Christmas that year. I also got a 4.10 shotgun and a hunting knife. Then when summer came along I got a motorcycle. Yup, an eight year old with weapons and a powered vehicle. That same year I was taught how to drive our manual transmission pick up truck in order to help haul hay. Needless to say, my life got so filled with learning and doing manly things that I didn't have time to play with my sewing machine.
For the most part I gave up trying to be me. I devoted my life to pretending I was a boy. It was a good thing too, because where I grew up, if I had told anyone that I was really a girl the school would have sent me to corrective therapy. If I had ever tried to wear a dress I would likely have ended up in the hospital if not actually dead. Sometimes, when no one was around I would play with my sisters dolls. It was frustrating that Barbies' clothes wouldn't fit on Ken, but I tried. Then I would feel so guilty later because boys weren't supposed to like that sort of thing. I spent so many years of my childhood racked with guilt that it is amazing I survived.
As I got older I became a nudist. I hated actually wearing clothes. I didn't realize it at the time because I had so buried who I really was, but it wasn't that I hated wearing clothes, it was that I hated wearing men's clothes. The faster I got out of them the happier I was. I was one of the first men to start wearing an earring in one ear. I got made fun of for it, called a fag and everything else you can imagine, but I didn't care. When it was normal for a guy to wear a single earring I got both ears pierced. It wasn't long before that was normal too. A few years ago I started wearing fingernail polish. Now that is starting to become normal. I have always pushed the boundaries of gender norms. Oh, and my purse? It was never a man-purse, murse or an urban shoulder bag, it was a purse thank you very much.
For all of my adult life people have mistaken me for a woman. My wife and would go shopping and people would ma'am me all of the time or say, "Welcome to [some store], ladies. Can I help you find something?" I finally just came to accept it. I decided to quit pretending that I was something I wasn't. I'm not a man, I never have been, I just pretended to be one in real life. I was never a boy, either. I just pretended I was because I didn't have any choice.
So the answer to the question is; I didn't suddenly decide to be a woman. I have always been one. Over the years I have slowly come to accept that and have recently decided to embrace it.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Why it Isn't About Sex
This has been bothering me for a long time. There is a fact that some people seriously need to wrap their heads around. Gender non-conformity is not about sex. As soon as a bio-male (someone born male) is seen dressed as a woman it is assumed that he is doing it to get his rocks off. There is a picture going around the webs right now of a man shopping for panties. The top of his black lace thongs are seen over the waistband of his pants. There is a good possibility that this image was photoshopped. But that is beside the point. The point is that the comments on that photo are horrendous. Everyone assumes he is a sexual "creep" getting off on women's panties. What the hell kind of sick mind immediately jumps to that conclusion?
People talk about transgender men and women and say things like, "If you want to do that fine. But keep that sick shit in the bedroom. Don't drag your perversions out in the open, because we don't want to see it!"
So, to all you people out there that consider transgender people to be sick perverts, I have a news flash for you. Most people's lives really do not revolve around sex. I know that is a hard concept for some people to get into their heads, but it is true. Gender non-conformity is about gender. Period. That is all that it is. Now, I will be the first to admit that there are some people that do get sexual kicks out of dressing as the opposite sex. But there are also people that get sexual kicks out of guns and knives. Are we going to assume now that every gun owner in the country is a pervert that needs to keep his gun ownership to himself? Or course not. There are people that have extremely erotic encounters with food. Should we close down all restaurants because eating is a sexual perversion that needs to be "kept in the bedroom?" Again, of course not.
I am transgender because my gender does not match my biological sex. I wear women's clothes because I am a woman. I am not a man in women's clothing. I do not wear women's clothing just because I like to wear women's clothing. I wear women's clothing because, just like most women, I want to feel pretty. I want to be stylish. I wear women's clothing because for the first time in my life I am truly happy and I feel like I fit in.
So, I beg of you, please get your collective minds out of the bedroom. When you assume it is all about sex, it actually kind of makes you look like a pervert. If you see someone dressed like a man, assume that person is a man. If you see someone dressed as a woman, assume that person is a woman. If you see two people holding hands, assume they are either in love or very good friends, even if they are the same sex. If you see two people of the same sex sharing a kiss, be happy for them. It's hard to find true happiness in this world and you should never try to squash it when you see it. Let those people live happy lives, then go on and live your own happy life.
It's not that hard really, being happy. And you can start simply by letting other people be...
Here is the facebook link where this is located so you can see the comments if you would like. http://tinyurl.com/br5jh9h
People talk about transgender men and women and say things like, "If you want to do that fine. But keep that sick shit in the bedroom. Don't drag your perversions out in the open, because we don't want to see it!"
So, to all you people out there that consider transgender people to be sick perverts, I have a news flash for you. Most people's lives really do not revolve around sex. I know that is a hard concept for some people to get into their heads, but it is true. Gender non-conformity is about gender. Period. That is all that it is. Now, I will be the first to admit that there are some people that do get sexual kicks out of dressing as the opposite sex. But there are also people that get sexual kicks out of guns and knives. Are we going to assume now that every gun owner in the country is a pervert that needs to keep his gun ownership to himself? Or course not. There are people that have extremely erotic encounters with food. Should we close down all restaurants because eating is a sexual perversion that needs to be "kept in the bedroom?" Again, of course not.
I am transgender because my gender does not match my biological sex. I wear women's clothes because I am a woman. I am not a man in women's clothing. I do not wear women's clothing just because I like to wear women's clothing. I wear women's clothing because, just like most women, I want to feel pretty. I want to be stylish. I wear women's clothing because for the first time in my life I am truly happy and I feel like I fit in.
So, I beg of you, please get your collective minds out of the bedroom. When you assume it is all about sex, it actually kind of makes you look like a pervert. If you see someone dressed like a man, assume that person is a man. If you see someone dressed as a woman, assume that person is a woman. If you see two people holding hands, assume they are either in love or very good friends, even if they are the same sex. If you see two people of the same sex sharing a kiss, be happy for them. It's hard to find true happiness in this world and you should never try to squash it when you see it. Let those people live happy lives, then go on and live your own happy life.
It's not that hard really, being happy. And you can start simply by letting other people be...
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I was asked, "What's the most fun about being bi-gender?"
My original answer to this question was going to be life. I mean, I'm still the exact same person I was before. Nothing has really changed aside from the fact that I now spend long periods of time as a woman instead of as a man. I identify as bi-gender because I chose from day to day if I am going to present as male or female. I have that choice. But if I had to choose only be one or the other, I would choose to be a woman. My inward identification is female. Identifying outwardly as bi-gender just makes life a lot simpler. But other than that, I still do the same things I always did before for fun. I enjoy roller skating, hiking, reading, movies, film making, art, writing, shopping... and that is where I had to stop and re-think my answer.
Shopping. I have always loved shopping. It's one of my favorite past times. But the difference now is that when I go shopping for women's close and shoes I'm not just shopping for my wife or helping my friends find the perfect style, I'm shopping for myself too. I love going through racks of clothing in clearance isles. I get this little shriek of delight when I see a really cute top I think will look good on me and it has a clearance tag of $5.00 or less. And then I actually get to try it on! Right then and there! I can go to the fitting room with my selections and see how they look on me just like every other woman in the store. And shoes!?!?! I have to admit to becoming a boot whore. I absolutely love cute sexy boots. But the most awesome thing about shoes is that I wear a women's size 8. The most common size in women's shoes. As a man my feet were always tiny and I used to get made fun of for it. But as a woman it's the perfect size.
An added bonus to shopping is that, aside from shoes, my wife and I wear the same size clothes. So no matter what we buy, I know that we can both wear it.
So, yeah. I guess there has been more changes in my life than just what I wear. Because I am getting more enjoyment out of shopping than I have ever had before.
Shopping. I have always loved shopping. It's one of my favorite past times. But the difference now is that when I go shopping for women's close and shoes I'm not just shopping for my wife or helping my friends find the perfect style, I'm shopping for myself too. I love going through racks of clothing in clearance isles. I get this little shriek of delight when I see a really cute top I think will look good on me and it has a clearance tag of $5.00 or less. And then I actually get to try it on! Right then and there! I can go to the fitting room with my selections and see how they look on me just like every other woman in the store. And shoes!?!?! I have to admit to becoming a boot whore. I absolutely love cute sexy boots. But the most awesome thing about shoes is that I wear a women's size 8. The most common size in women's shoes. As a man my feet were always tiny and I used to get made fun of for it. But as a woman it's the perfect size.
An added bonus to shopping is that, aside from shoes, my wife and I wear the same size clothes. So no matter what we buy, I know that we can both wear it.
So, yeah. I guess there has been more changes in my life than just what I wear. Because I am getting more enjoyment out of shopping than I have ever had before.
Ask a Trans
Learning about the life of someone that is transgender can be next to impossible. It has become politically incorrect to make any indication whatsoever that the individual you are talking to has ever presented as any gender other than what they are at that moment. It is considered rude to ask them anything about the pre-transition life or anything that they went through or are going through during transition. There is a problem with this. Most people are not trying to be rude when they ask these questions. They genuinely want to know, they want to get to know the person and they may be exploring their own gender identity and have no one to turn to for answers.
I understand why people don't want to talk about it, however. Someone that is transitioning from one gender to another normally wants to put their former life behind them. They don't want to be reminded of a life that was so wrong and painful for them. Because, quite frankly, being forced to live the lie of gender conformity is very painful. The reality of their existence and identity is right now. It isn't the past. And the future is determined by ever moment of the present. So if someone gets upset when you ask them questions, please understand what they are going through. They likely aren't angry with you, they are angry at a world that has forced them to live a painful life. And don't think that pain ended with transition. The world does not suddenly become a wonderful paradise. It is still filled with hateful people that will do anything to hurt people like us; both emotionally and physically. So, if your best friend suddenly starts living life as a different person, be nice to them, be there for them and understand if they get defensive when asked questions. They need your friendship now more than ever before.
I, however, am a bird of a different feather. I want to share my experiences. That is why I have created this blog. I want to answer people's questions. You can ask me anything and I will answer as best as I can. But consider this; if you are deliberately rude or downright hateful, I will call you out on it and I might not be so nice.
So, let the questions begin.
Lilly Allison
I understand why people don't want to talk about it, however. Someone that is transitioning from one gender to another normally wants to put their former life behind them. They don't want to be reminded of a life that was so wrong and painful for them. Because, quite frankly, being forced to live the lie of gender conformity is very painful. The reality of their existence and identity is right now. It isn't the past. And the future is determined by ever moment of the present. So if someone gets upset when you ask them questions, please understand what they are going through. They likely aren't angry with you, they are angry at a world that has forced them to live a painful life. And don't think that pain ended with transition. The world does not suddenly become a wonderful paradise. It is still filled with hateful people that will do anything to hurt people like us; both emotionally and physically. So, if your best friend suddenly starts living life as a different person, be nice to them, be there for them and understand if they get defensive when asked questions. They need your friendship now more than ever before.
I, however, am a bird of a different feather. I want to share my experiences. That is why I have created this blog. I want to answer people's questions. You can ask me anything and I will answer as best as I can. But consider this; if you are deliberately rude or downright hateful, I will call you out on it and I might not be so nice.
So, let the questions begin.
Lilly Allison
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