A Look Back at the First Year

It has been a year now since I have lived full time as my true self. For several months in the early part of 2012 I had been spending about half of my time as a woman and half as a man as I slowly became more comfortable being out in public. On August 1st, the day after my 48th birthday I decided that I was going to continue as a woman with no plans of switching back. I hadn't decided at that point that I would permanently transition, I just had no plans one way or another. There were two occasions where I dressed in men's clothing, but that was for other family members, not for myself. On the second of those two occasions, I saw myself dressed as a man and I broke out in tears. That was not me. That was someone that had spent decades in emotional pain and turmoil. As I looked in the mirror, all of those old doubts, fears and depressions came flooding back and I was miserable. Then I saw the person looking back at me in that mirror say, "Never again." As soon as that weekend was over I took every article of men's clothing that I still had and got rid of all of it. I tossed it away like so much baggage and along with it, decades of personal and emotional baggage. I was finally free and I have been ever since.

But along with the new me there were other things that I had to take into account. At the time I didn't have insurance and to get insurance would cost us $400 a month. That was right at a quarter of our income and that just wasn't going to happen. Without insurance I would not be able to see a therapist. Without a therapist I would not be able to get a required letter diagnosing me as transgender. Without that letter I would not be able get a prescription for Hormone Replacement Therapy. I briefly considered purchasing the hormones online without a prescription, but self medication is NOT the way to go. There are way too many possible dangers that you really need regular medical supervision and tests to ensure a safe transition. I had pretty much resolved myself to the fact that I would simply never be able to do HRT and was just going to have to live with body hair, invasive facial hair and prosthetic breasts for the rest of my life.

But later in the fall, the company that my wife worked for, changed their insurance provider. That took it down from $400 a month to $200 a month to add me. It was still going to be tight, but we could manage that. We would just have to scrimp and scrape in other areas of our lives to make up for it. So, in January, I was insured. I didn't waste any time in finding an amazing therapist with a great deal of experience with the transgender community. After only a few weekly sessions with her, she was more than happy to write the letter that I needed. I made an appointment with a prominent doctor in the area that was recommended to me by several trans* friends. After meeting with her, getting a physical and blood work done, I started on the hormones. Estradiol, to boost estrogen and Spironolactone to suppress the testosterone. The results have been phenomenal.

The first thing I experienced was completely unexpected. My mind became quiet. For as long as I can remember my thoughts have raced chaotically in my head; bouncing and pinging off of each other like the bells and beeps in a crowded casino. I was lucky if I could manage to catch one of those thoughts and hold on to it long enough to do something with it. But suddenly, within the first week of the Estradiol, those thoughts were quieter and not so chaotic. They were still there, but for once I could actually focus on things easily and concentrate on one thought at a time. I was finally able to sleep because my head was no longer screaming with "Place your bets!!!! Place your bets!!!"

Then other things started happening. My body hair became all but non-existent. I still have to shave my legs, but who doesn't? My facial hair growth diminished by around 75%. That meant I only had to remove facial hair once a day instead of twice and I no longer had to use as much makeup to hide the shadow that I hated so much. The hair on my head, on the other hand, started becoming so much fuller and healthier. I finally have the hair that I have wanted for my entire life, and that alone makes the effort all worthwhile. A couple of years ago I had given up wheat and that drastically reduced my issues with adult acne, but it was still an issue. After a few weeks on the HRT, my acne is completely gone. After living with it for almost 40 years, my acne is finally gone. And for some weird reason my eyesight seems to be getting better! Not sure why. But I am going to have to get a new scrip soon, because I need a lower magnification for my distance vision.

But the most obvious change is a physical one. Within just a few weeks I actually noticed an increase in my breast size. For months I had been wearing a pushup bra with prosthetic inserts in order to not look really awkward. But I no longer needed those prosthetics. I still wear a pushup bra but after 4 months, I am at a natural A cup. The pushup just boosts it to a C. And I only do that because my gut is still so big that I feel I look really out of proportion if I don't. The good news is that I am back to losing weight again, so hopefully things will level out sometime soon. Research suggests that my breast growth should max out around the average size of other women in my family. If that is the case, this time next year, I will likely be wishing they were smaller. :-)

I had done a great deal of research before I ever began HRT, so I was prepared for the worst that could happen. But I have be on the therapy for four months now and not a single one of the negative possibilities has been an issue.

But aside from all of that. Besides the physical changes and the emotional changes, my life has improved by leaps and bounds. Even on a cultural basis. For the first time in my life I actually fit in with the world. I no longer feel like I am on the outside looking in. I am accepted in ways that I have never been accepted before. When I go places I no longer feel like people are staring at me. I no longer feel out of place in the world. For my entire life going to the bathroom in public was a horrible ordeal. It was very anxiety inducing. As a child I would hold it for as long as I could, sometimes the entire school day so I wouldn't have to use the boys bathroom. I hated being in there. But now I have no anxiety at all. I'm now using the bathroom I should have been using my entire life. I feel comfortable using the ladies room and often have conversations with other women while I'm there. That is a completely new and refreshing experience for me.

My family and friends have been amazing. I have said many times that I am the luckiest woman in the world and I mean it. Every single person in my life has been supportive and welcoming and I have never felt so loved. It has been one year since I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn't and this past year has been one of the happiest of my life. So, how am I starting out my next year? Well, at the age of 49 I am actually going to start skating roller derby. Lilly AllenWench is no longer going to be working on the sidelines as an official. She is going to be on the track, kicking ass with the rest of her derby sisters. I can't wait! 

Transgender is Not my Gender Identity

When I first created this blog I planned on doing at least a post a week. But it didn't take long for me to run into a block. I really didn't have much else to say on the subject of transitioning other than to keep talking about how amazing my life has become once I stopped hiding who I really was.

But recently I have realized that there are things that are common sense to me because this is my life, that are not so common sense to others. So I may be writing a post here and there about those things. This post is not for people going through transition. This post is for friends and family of transgender men and women... or boys and girls for that matter since more and more transgender individuals are coming out at much younger ages.

First off, let me give a disclaimer. This is from my perspective and those of several of my transgender friends. I'm sure there are trans* individuals that feel differently.

Here's the thing. Most of the transgender people I know do not identify as transgender. Being transgender is a physical and cultural process that many people must go through, but that is not how we identify. We identify as the gender or gender variation that we present. I am simply a woman. I think as a woman, I exist as a woman and in all aspects of my life, I am a woman. So, when people that I know think about me, I hope that they simply think of me as a woman. But I suspect that many, even though innocently, think of me as this other gender that is transgender.

That way of thinking perpetuates the separate but equal mentality that has caused so many societal ills for hundreds of years. If you have a friend of family member that is a trans man then he is simply a man. Please try to keep that in mind, not just when you are interacting with him but any time you think about him. You might think this is a small and unimportant thing, but it truly will make a difference with him. The same goes for the trans woman in your life. She is a woman, think of her only as a woman and never think of her as a trans woman. Or maybe this friend or family member is gender queer and identifies as neither male nor female or maybe a combination of both. If so, ask them to define for you exactly how they identify and simply think of them as that.

This sounds like it should be so simple. But I'm sure that it isn't. Even I have had problems in the past with thinking of some of my friends as transgender instead of thinking of them as men or women. Over time I have adjusted my thinking and now I actually forget that these friends are transgender. They are just my friends, and they deserve my respect in thinking of them as the gender they are presenting. 

Transition? Transition what?

I am open and honest about the fact that I am transgender. I have nothing to hide and I'm not embarrassed about who I am. So I am always happy to answer questions about my transition. But there is a small problem with that. You see, I never transitioned. I never went from being male to being female. That would assume that at some point I was a man and I never was. My outward appearance was that of a man, but it has nothing to do with whether or not I was male or female.

So when you ask me about my transition you are not asking about my gender  at all. You are asking about my appearance and the change that took place. Let me try to answer that question for you. Imagine that you were in a play that was 48 years long and you played a specific role in that play for all of those years. Then all of a sudden the play ended and you no longer had to fit into that role. You take off the costume that you wore, you put on the clothes that represent you and you wear your hair the way you feel it looks best. That was my transition.

Herein lies a very large problem with society in regards to the transgender community. Most people don't seem to care about the transgender person. All they seem to care about is what that person looks like. Does that transwoman have real breasts? Does that transman have enough facial hair? Is that one masculine enough, is that one feminine enough, why can I not tell if that one is male or female? The real question should have nothing to do with how I present myself. The real question should be in how you perceive my presentation.  

Yes, there are physical things that I have done to transform my appearance. I am still doing those things. But try to remember that my transition is on the surface only. The person I am, the woman that I am has never changed. The little girl in the boy suit became a woman in a man suit. Then one day I took that suit off. And along with shedding the suit I tossed off all of the baggage that goes with it.

There you have it. I do not identify as transgender because my gender never changed. I identify as a woman because I have always been one.