A Look Back at the First Year

It has been a year now since I have lived full time as my true self. For several months in the early part of 2012 I had been spending about half of my time as a woman and half as a man as I slowly became more comfortable being out in public. On August 1st, the day after my 48th birthday I decided that I was going to continue as a woman with no plans of switching back. I hadn't decided at that point that I would permanently transition, I just had no plans one way or another. There were two occasions where I dressed in men's clothing, but that was for other family members, not for myself. On the second of those two occasions, I saw myself dressed as a man and I broke out in tears. That was not me. That was someone that had spent decades in emotional pain and turmoil. As I looked in the mirror, all of those old doubts, fears and depressions came flooding back and I was miserable. Then I saw the person looking back at me in that mirror say, "Never again." As soon as that weekend was over I took every article of men's clothing that I still had and got rid of all of it. I tossed it away like so much baggage and along with it, decades of personal and emotional baggage. I was finally free and I have been ever since.

But along with the new me there were other things that I had to take into account. At the time I didn't have insurance and to get insurance would cost us $400 a month. That was right at a quarter of our income and that just wasn't going to happen. Without insurance I would not be able to see a therapist. Without a therapist I would not be able to get a required letter diagnosing me as transgender. Without that letter I would not be able get a prescription for Hormone Replacement Therapy. I briefly considered purchasing the hormones online without a prescription, but self medication is NOT the way to go. There are way too many possible dangers that you really need regular medical supervision and tests to ensure a safe transition. I had pretty much resolved myself to the fact that I would simply never be able to do HRT and was just going to have to live with body hair, invasive facial hair and prosthetic breasts for the rest of my life.

But later in the fall, the company that my wife worked for, changed their insurance provider. That took it down from $400 a month to $200 a month to add me. It was still going to be tight, but we could manage that. We would just have to scrimp and scrape in other areas of our lives to make up for it. So, in January, I was insured. I didn't waste any time in finding an amazing therapist with a great deal of experience with the transgender community. After only a few weekly sessions with her, she was more than happy to write the letter that I needed. I made an appointment with a prominent doctor in the area that was recommended to me by several trans* friends. After meeting with her, getting a physical and blood work done, I started on the hormones. Estradiol, to boost estrogen and Spironolactone to suppress the testosterone. The results have been phenomenal.

The first thing I experienced was completely unexpected. My mind became quiet. For as long as I can remember my thoughts have raced chaotically in my head; bouncing and pinging off of each other like the bells and beeps in a crowded casino. I was lucky if I could manage to catch one of those thoughts and hold on to it long enough to do something with it. But suddenly, within the first week of the Estradiol, those thoughts were quieter and not so chaotic. They were still there, but for once I could actually focus on things easily and concentrate on one thought at a time. I was finally able to sleep because my head was no longer screaming with "Place your bets!!!! Place your bets!!!"

Then other things started happening. My body hair became all but non-existent. I still have to shave my legs, but who doesn't? My facial hair growth diminished by around 75%. That meant I only had to remove facial hair once a day instead of twice and I no longer had to use as much makeup to hide the shadow that I hated so much. The hair on my head, on the other hand, started becoming so much fuller and healthier. I finally have the hair that I have wanted for my entire life, and that alone makes the effort all worthwhile. A couple of years ago I had given up wheat and that drastically reduced my issues with adult acne, but it was still an issue. After a few weeks on the HRT, my acne is completely gone. After living with it for almost 40 years, my acne is finally gone. And for some weird reason my eyesight seems to be getting better! Not sure why. But I am going to have to get a new scrip soon, because I need a lower magnification for my distance vision.

But the most obvious change is a physical one. Within just a few weeks I actually noticed an increase in my breast size. For months I had been wearing a pushup bra with prosthetic inserts in order to not look really awkward. But I no longer needed those prosthetics. I still wear a pushup bra but after 4 months, I am at a natural A cup. The pushup just boosts it to a C. And I only do that because my gut is still so big that I feel I look really out of proportion if I don't. The good news is that I am back to losing weight again, so hopefully things will level out sometime soon. Research suggests that my breast growth should max out around the average size of other women in my family. If that is the case, this time next year, I will likely be wishing they were smaller. :-)

I had done a great deal of research before I ever began HRT, so I was prepared for the worst that could happen. But I have be on the therapy for four months now and not a single one of the negative possibilities has been an issue.

But aside from all of that. Besides the physical changes and the emotional changes, my life has improved by leaps and bounds. Even on a cultural basis. For the first time in my life I actually fit in with the world. I no longer feel like I am on the outside looking in. I am accepted in ways that I have never been accepted before. When I go places I no longer feel like people are staring at me. I no longer feel out of place in the world. For my entire life going to the bathroom in public was a horrible ordeal. It was very anxiety inducing. As a child I would hold it for as long as I could, sometimes the entire school day so I wouldn't have to use the boys bathroom. I hated being in there. But now I have no anxiety at all. I'm now using the bathroom I should have been using my entire life. I feel comfortable using the ladies room and often have conversations with other women while I'm there. That is a completely new and refreshing experience for me.

My family and friends have been amazing. I have said many times that I am the luckiest woman in the world and I mean it. Every single person in my life has been supportive and welcoming and I have never felt so loved. It has been one year since I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn't and this past year has been one of the happiest of my life. So, how am I starting out my next year? Well, at the age of 49 I am actually going to start skating roller derby. Lilly AllenWench is no longer going to be working on the sidelines as an official. She is going to be on the track, kicking ass with the rest of her derby sisters. I can't wait! 

Transgender is Not my Gender Identity

When I first created this blog I planned on doing at least a post a week. But it didn't take long for me to run into a block. I really didn't have much else to say on the subject of transitioning other than to keep talking about how amazing my life has become once I stopped hiding who I really was.

But recently I have realized that there are things that are common sense to me because this is my life, that are not so common sense to others. So I may be writing a post here and there about those things. This post is not for people going through transition. This post is for friends and family of transgender men and women... or boys and girls for that matter since more and more transgender individuals are coming out at much younger ages.

First off, let me give a disclaimer. This is from my perspective and those of several of my transgender friends. I'm sure there are trans* individuals that feel differently.

Here's the thing. Most of the transgender people I know do not identify as transgender. Being transgender is a physical and cultural process that many people must go through, but that is not how we identify. We identify as the gender or gender variation that we present. I am simply a woman. I think as a woman, I exist as a woman and in all aspects of my life, I am a woman. So, when people that I know think about me, I hope that they simply think of me as a woman. But I suspect that many, even though innocently, think of me as this other gender that is transgender.

That way of thinking perpetuates the separate but equal mentality that has caused so many societal ills for hundreds of years. If you have a friend of family member that is a trans man then he is simply a man. Please try to keep that in mind, not just when you are interacting with him but any time you think about him. You might think this is a small and unimportant thing, but it truly will make a difference with him. The same goes for the trans woman in your life. She is a woman, think of her only as a woman and never think of her as a trans woman. Or maybe this friend or family member is gender queer and identifies as neither male nor female or maybe a combination of both. If so, ask them to define for you exactly how they identify and simply think of them as that.

This sounds like it should be so simple. But I'm sure that it isn't. Even I have had problems in the past with thinking of some of my friends as transgender instead of thinking of them as men or women. Over time I have adjusted my thinking and now I actually forget that these friends are transgender. They are just my friends, and they deserve my respect in thinking of them as the gender they are presenting. 

Transition? Transition what?

I am open and honest about the fact that I am transgender. I have nothing to hide and I'm not embarrassed about who I am. So I am always happy to answer questions about my transition. But there is a small problem with that. You see, I never transitioned. I never went from being male to being female. That would assume that at some point I was a man and I never was. My outward appearance was that of a man, but it has nothing to do with whether or not I was male or female.

So when you ask me about my transition you are not asking about my gender  at all. You are asking about my appearance and the change that took place. Let me try to answer that question for you. Imagine that you were in a play that was 48 years long and you played a specific role in that play for all of those years. Then all of a sudden the play ended and you no longer had to fit into that role. You take off the costume that you wore, you put on the clothes that represent you and you wear your hair the way you feel it looks best. That was my transition.

Herein lies a very large problem with society in regards to the transgender community. Most people don't seem to care about the transgender person. All they seem to care about is what that person looks like. Does that transwoman have real breasts? Does that transman have enough facial hair? Is that one masculine enough, is that one feminine enough, why can I not tell if that one is male or female? The real question should have nothing to do with how I present myself. The real question should be in how you perceive my presentation.  

Yes, there are physical things that I have done to transform my appearance. I am still doing those things. But try to remember that my transition is on the surface only. The person I am, the woman that I am has never changed. The little girl in the boy suit became a woman in a man suit. Then one day I took that suit off. And along with shedding the suit I tossed off all of the baggage that goes with it.

There you have it. I do not identify as transgender because my gender never changed. I identify as a woman because I have always been one. 

Thoughts on 'God'

I am an atheist with Buddhist philosophies that practices Wicca. Because of this I get asked about my thoughts on “God” quite often. After all, based on what is commonly believed about Atheism, Buddhism and Wicca, I seem to be rather self contradictory.  So, I am writing this to try and explain where I come from spiritually.

Before I get into this, I want to redefine a term. Because I am lazy, I am going to use the word ‘believe’ quite often. The fact is I do not really believe anything. I do, however, have several hypotheses that I lean toward. Since ‘I believe’ is a lot easier to type and read than ‘I hypothesize.’ You can assume that if I say that I believe something it actually means that I have a hypothesis that currently has me leaning towards a certain thought or concept.

I should first explain my own religious history. I was born into a Baptist family, but was never forced to adhere to any religion. At the age of seven my book of choice to read was the Bible. At the same age, I made the choice to attend the First Christian Church. I was twelve the first time I read the Bible from cover to cover and I spent my teenage years studying scripture in-depth and learning the original intent of the words as they were written in the original Greek, Hebrew and Chaldean.  By the time I had graduated high school I was constantly challenging my minister on his interpretations.

Once I became an adult I began to study other religions including ancient religions that far preceded Christianity. It did not take me long to realize that everything that I had spent so many years studying in the Bible were actually adaptations of stories and myths that came from those ancient belief systems. I also began to study science. The more I studied science and religious history the more I was able to understand where religion came from. Why religion was created in the first place and why it persists today. Those understandings lead me to accept that it is highly unlikely that there was ever a conscious creator of the universe.

There it is, I am an Atheist because there is not a single bit of scientific evidence pointing to the possibility that a God/Creator exists, but there is plenty of historical evidence to indicate that one was simply made up.

So what do I believe? I believe that all of existence is energy. Even the densest objects in the universe are still forms of energy. I believe that everything that makes up a personality, all thought, emotion, desire, etc. is a form of energy. We call that energy consciousness. We know that different forms of energy can interact with and influence other forms of energy. I believe consciousness is no different. I believe that conscious thought and desire can and do influence other universal energy forms. We know that energy cannot be destroyed, but it can be transformed. Here is where my concept of ‘god’ comes from. Throughout history mankind has needed to believe in gods for various reasons. Out of this desire they created thought forms to be the gods that they needed. The power of their beliefs actually brought into existence their gods by manipulating and transforming existing universal conscious energy. Therefore, gods did not create us, we created them. And they DO exist. They are actual forms of energy no different from the energy that makes up your own personal consciousness. They exist just as surely as you exist. I believe that when mankind advances to the point where we no longer need gods, then they will no longer exist. They exist because they are believed in.

What about prayer? I believe that prayer is a conscious attempt to manipulate energies and bring about ones desires. By directing that attempt to a specific god we are able to focus our intent and strengthen our belief. It is not a god that answers prayers, but rather our focusing of consciousness that manipulates the universe to make what we want to happen come about.

When I get to this point in my explanation people then ask, “Well what happens after we die then? Do you believe in Heaven or Hell?” As far as Heaven or Hell goes we make our own and live in it every single day of our lives. As for an afterlife? Here is my thought. Conscious energy is universal. Think of it as an ocean. If you take a glass and dip it into the ocean you have a single glass of water. It is unique. You can dip several glasses and each one is going to be an individual glass of water. Now think about the consciousness of each person. If it helps, think of that consciousness as a soul. That has become the common term used for what I am talking about anyway. When a person is born he or she becomes a vessel, like the water glass, that holds the conscious energy that makes up their soul.  Now, let’s go back to those glasses of water. Take one of them, hold it over the ocean and destroy the glass. What happens to the water? It goes back into the ocean. Now grab a fresh glass and try to fill it with the exact same water that was in the one that was destroyed. You can’t. It is impossible. Now it is possible that you might end up with some water molecules that were in the previous glass, but you can’t possibly get the exact same glass of water. I believe that when we die, our conscious energy goes back to the universal ocean of consciousness and as other people are born, a little bit of who we were ends up as part of each of them. Maybe that is why so many people have past life memories of being Napoleon :-D

So, why do I claim Buddhist philosophies and practice Wicca? The peaceful nature and concept of coexistence that is the basis of Buddhism is very close to my heart. I understand what Buddha went through as he was trying to understand human suffering. I understand the conclusions that he came to and I desire to live as peacefully as possible much like he did. As far as Wicca goes, remember above when I talked about focusing energy to bring about ones desires and how praying to gods helps bring about that focus? The practices and rituals of Wicca do that for me. I feel very close to nature. I feel most at home when I am alone in the forests, or floating in the oceans. Wicca is a religion based on nature, on the earth and the cycles that the earth goes through. I can relate to those things a lot easier than I can relate to an unseen god. It is a lot easier for me to bring about the changes in my life that I need, if I have something tangible that I can attach my thought forms to.

There you have it. The convoluted spirituality that makes me who I am today. But do you want to know the really amazing thing about my spirituality? I am willing to change my ‘beliefs’ if it becomes obvious to me that I am wrong. :-D 

A Sad Goodbye

Yesterday morning I said a final goodbye to one of the kindest and sweetest men I have ever known. He was taken from us way too early and he left behind a wonderful wife and a beautiful family. When Taps started playing from a lone bugler in the distance my eyes started to water. When the soldier presented the flag of a fallen hero to the widow, I was very happy that I had chosen waterproof makeup. It was so beautiful to see her honored in such a way and to see the military recognize the years of service that her husband had dedicated to the country that he loved so much.

But there is a little more to the story that makes it even that much more heart wrenching. You see, the wonderful man we said goodbye to was gay. Yesterday, the United States military honored the life and service of a man that less than a year ago would not have even been allowed to remain in the service if he had been open about his orientation. And his wonderful wife? She wasn't always a woman. For several years now she has been an advocate for the rights of Transsexual women and men and has been fighting for those that are homeless or disabled. It has only been in the last few years that laws have been passed that allowed the couple to be married. But yesterday, I watched two soldiers pay the highest of respect to them both with the folding and presentation of the American flag. On bended knee, the officer thanked her for her husband’s dedication and on behalf of the President of the United States, he handed her the flag and from his pocket he presented her with a coin from the state of Missouri.

Tears flowed and hearts wept. But on this saddest of days, I saw a glimmer of hope for our future. I wept for Carl, I wept for Robyn and I wept for our past. But I smiled for the days and years to come, because I saw a future where sexual orientation and gender identification no longer define your status and rights as a citizen. I saw a future where all love is honored and respected and all life is considered sacred.

A Wonderful Day at SIUE

I had a unique opportunity this week. A friend of mine teaches a class at SIUE on interpersonal communication. She is currently teaching about the differences in social expectations and interactions based on gender and gender presentation. Since I have had experience from three distinct gender variations, she asked me to come talk to the class. One class in the morning and another on in the afternoon. The students were amazing. With each of the two classes I spent a few minutes talking about my own personal history, how we base our interactions on preconceived assumptions and why it is considered inappropriate and often rude to ask transgender individuals about their transition and birth gender. At this point I broke that rule and opened the class up for discussion. I told them that they could ask me any question they wanted and I would answer as well as I possibly could, no matter how personal.

The first class consisted mostly of eighteen year old students and I had developed my own preconceived assumptions. I expected some low brow comments and possibly a few rude questions. At the very least a few sidelong glances. But that didn't happen. The students were very professional, honestly wanting to learn and asking questions that were very on topic for the class. The second class was a bit older and the discussions were a bit more intense and personal, but once again, they were very professional and on topic.

Out of around 60 students every single one of them was openly supportive of the trans community. Two of them are doing everything they can to be supportive of their own preschool relatives that are showing signs of being trans. Sadly, the parents of both children are trying to force the kids into expressing their gender based on their birth sex. My advice to the two students was to be there for the kids. To be the aunt or cousin to come to for an understanding ear and shoulder. I advised them to not push the parents, but to gently nudge them. Show them professional research on transgender children and help them find 'good' counselors that are very experienced in the field that will help the child grow to be who they are and help the parents with their own issues in regard to gender dysphoria.

By the end of the day I had new hope. These are the people that will be changing our world in the next few years. They are our immediate future and they want the world to be a better place just as much as we do.

My thanks go out to the students in Mrs. Hahn's class. They welcomed me with open arms and showed me true kindness. That was more than I could have ever asked for.

Moments of Doubt

None of us are perfect. We all put on a face to the world that say's that everything is alright, and  most of the time that is exactly the case; everything is alright. But every once in a while, it isn't. There are times when all we can think about is crawling into a dark room, locking ourselves away from the world, curl up in a fetal position and rock back and forth until the internal darkness goes away. Instead, we put on that face that we wear every day and when someone say's, "How's it going?" we smile at them and say, "It's going great, how about you?"

There are times when we know exactly why we are feeling the way we do. It could be financial issues lurking in the near future, maybe we have had a fight with the love of our lives or maybe someone that we love with all of our hearts and souls has suddenly lost a long suffering battle with life and has passed away. These times are so difficult that all we can do is lock ourselves away until either the issue has passed or the pain loosens its grip long enough for us to recover. But there are other times; times when we have no clue why we are feeling the way we do. There doesn't seem to be any reason for it. All we know is that we hurt, we are scared and we are confused. When this happens we start searching desperately for something we can point to and say, "There! That's the reason. That is what is causing me all this emotional pain." And we always find something. It doesn't seem to matter if is actually the cause or not. We are so desperate that we put the blame on the first thing we come to.

It is human nature to try and make connections. We search for something that has recently changed and we put blame on that thing. There are still places in the world where people are killed for witchcraft because they are seen doing something that someone thinks is odd around the same time that an epidemic breaks out. It doesn't seem to matter that correlation is not indicative of causation. We jump at a correlation and use it to place all blame for our sorrows.

So, if the recent change in our lives happens to have been gender transition, we agonize over our decision. We can't help but wonder if that change is what is causing all of our stress. We wonder if we made the wrong decision. Maybe we should have just continued pretending and being what the world thinks we should be instead of what we truly are, and when someone we love is going through the same sort of emotional turmoil, we begin to blame ourselves for their pain. We even consider going back to the way things were in the hopes that everything will be OK again. We have those moments of doubt.

But if we really think about it we will remember other times in our lives when, for seemingly no reason at all, we went through periods of depression or anxiety. Times before transition. In fact, we have had times like this since childhood. And each time we blamed it on the most recent thing in our lives that had changed.

What if recent changes have nothing to do with it? What if, just maybe, it's something physical? It could be as simple as a hormonal imbalance and if we hang in long enough and make sure our diet is healthy, things will be back to normal soon. There are countless possibilities that we simply don't know about because we can't see them. It could be anything from atmospheric conditions to subsonic frequencies messing with our internal systems. If so, then jumping to conclusions and making drastic decisions could be the worst mistake of our lives. We have to take time, breathe, and instead of finding something to blame our suffering on we have to find something positive to do.

Does this post have a purpose? Have I come to any conclusions? Have I fixed things? Not really. I'm sure I will continue to have moments of doubt for the rest of my life. Basically, this has been a long-winded way of saying, "Hang in there, it gets better."