A Look Back at the First Year

It has been a year now since I have lived full time as my true self. For several months in the early part of 2012 I had been spending about half of my time as a woman and half as a man as I slowly became more comfortable being out in public. On August 1st, the day after my 48th birthday I decided that I was going to continue as a woman with no plans of switching back. I hadn't decided at that point that I would permanently transition, I just had no plans one way or another. There were two occasions where I dressed in men's clothing, but that was for other family members, not for myself. On the second of those two occasions, I saw myself dressed as a man and I broke out in tears. That was not me. That was someone that had spent decades in emotional pain and turmoil. As I looked in the mirror, all of those old doubts, fears and depressions came flooding back and I was miserable. Then I saw the person looking back at me in that mirror say, "Never again." As soon as that weekend was over I took every article of men's clothing that I still had and got rid of all of it. I tossed it away like so much baggage and along with it, decades of personal and emotional baggage. I was finally free and I have been ever since.

But along with the new me there were other things that I had to take into account. At the time I didn't have insurance and to get insurance would cost us $400 a month. That was right at a quarter of our income and that just wasn't going to happen. Without insurance I would not be able to see a therapist. Without a therapist I would not be able to get a required letter diagnosing me as transgender. Without that letter I would not be able get a prescription for Hormone Replacement Therapy. I briefly considered purchasing the hormones online without a prescription, but self medication is NOT the way to go. There are way too many possible dangers that you really need regular medical supervision and tests to ensure a safe transition. I had pretty much resolved myself to the fact that I would simply never be able to do HRT and was just going to have to live with body hair, invasive facial hair and prosthetic breasts for the rest of my life.

But later in the fall, the company that my wife worked for, changed their insurance provider. That took it down from $400 a month to $200 a month to add me. It was still going to be tight, but we could manage that. We would just have to scrimp and scrape in other areas of our lives to make up for it. So, in January, I was insured. I didn't waste any time in finding an amazing therapist with a great deal of experience with the transgender community. After only a few weekly sessions with her, she was more than happy to write the letter that I needed. I made an appointment with a prominent doctor in the area that was recommended to me by several trans* friends. After meeting with her, getting a physical and blood work done, I started on the hormones. Estradiol, to boost estrogen and Spironolactone to suppress the testosterone. The results have been phenomenal.

The first thing I experienced was completely unexpected. My mind became quiet. For as long as I can remember my thoughts have raced chaotically in my head; bouncing and pinging off of each other like the bells and beeps in a crowded casino. I was lucky if I could manage to catch one of those thoughts and hold on to it long enough to do something with it. But suddenly, within the first week of the Estradiol, those thoughts were quieter and not so chaotic. They were still there, but for once I could actually focus on things easily and concentrate on one thought at a time. I was finally able to sleep because my head was no longer screaming with "Place your bets!!!! Place your bets!!!"

Then other things started happening. My body hair became all but non-existent. I still have to shave my legs, but who doesn't? My facial hair growth diminished by around 75%. That meant I only had to remove facial hair once a day instead of twice and I no longer had to use as much makeup to hide the shadow that I hated so much. The hair on my head, on the other hand, started becoming so much fuller and healthier. I finally have the hair that I have wanted for my entire life, and that alone makes the effort all worthwhile. A couple of years ago I had given up wheat and that drastically reduced my issues with adult acne, but it was still an issue. After a few weeks on the HRT, my acne is completely gone. After living with it for almost 40 years, my acne is finally gone. And for some weird reason my eyesight seems to be getting better! Not sure why. But I am going to have to get a new scrip soon, because I need a lower magnification for my distance vision.

But the most obvious change is a physical one. Within just a few weeks I actually noticed an increase in my breast size. For months I had been wearing a pushup bra with prosthetic inserts in order to not look really awkward. But I no longer needed those prosthetics. I still wear a pushup bra but after 4 months, I am at a natural A cup. The pushup just boosts it to a C. And I only do that because my gut is still so big that I feel I look really out of proportion if I don't. The good news is that I am back to losing weight again, so hopefully things will level out sometime soon. Research suggests that my breast growth should max out around the average size of other women in my family. If that is the case, this time next year, I will likely be wishing they were smaller. :-)

I had done a great deal of research before I ever began HRT, so I was prepared for the worst that could happen. But I have be on the therapy for four months now and not a single one of the negative possibilities has been an issue.

But aside from all of that. Besides the physical changes and the emotional changes, my life has improved by leaps and bounds. Even on a cultural basis. For the first time in my life I actually fit in with the world. I no longer feel like I am on the outside looking in. I am accepted in ways that I have never been accepted before. When I go places I no longer feel like people are staring at me. I no longer feel out of place in the world. For my entire life going to the bathroom in public was a horrible ordeal. It was very anxiety inducing. As a child I would hold it for as long as I could, sometimes the entire school day so I wouldn't have to use the boys bathroom. I hated being in there. But now I have no anxiety at all. I'm now using the bathroom I should have been using my entire life. I feel comfortable using the ladies room and often have conversations with other women while I'm there. That is a completely new and refreshing experience for me.

My family and friends have been amazing. I have said many times that I am the luckiest woman in the world and I mean it. Every single person in my life has been supportive and welcoming and I have never felt so loved. It has been one year since I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn't and this past year has been one of the happiest of my life. So, how am I starting out my next year? Well, at the age of 49 I am actually going to start skating roller derby. Lilly AllenWench is no longer going to be working on the sidelines as an official. She is going to be on the track, kicking ass with the rest of her derby sisters. I can't wait!